Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Dear Sir or Madam

Walter Garrett Mitchell
Post-Grad Limbo, OR, USA
(719)  PLZ - HIRE
grownup_email@bigbusiness.net


To all Potential Employers:

Salutations!

Welcome to the dogeared photo album of overambitious daydream that is my oft-neglected Blog! If you're reading this I can only assume you took the blue-tinted bait I left for you, tucked in the resume that was sent to your temporary Craigslist address and/or left with your nonplussed personal assistant.

And how happy I am that you're here! As you can tell, I've spent my valuable time (of which I keep a near endless store, in industrial vats of Afternoon) tweaking and aligning the various metrics of personal expression that frame the deluge of my self-indulgent mumblings. And (lets please be honest with one another) all in hopes of impressing you! So, please, take a moment to peruse my carefully stacked sidebars. You'll notice the scattered scaffolds of eDentity I have begun to erect here and elsewhere on the Web -- upon which I will, without a doubt, Establish Myself -- as well as topical pop-culture appreciation (relevant hyperlinks included) and inter-blogosphere awareness! Aside from endearing me to your refined tastes, I hope to prove by way of demonstration that I am On My Way, Social Network-Capable and perfectly willing to engage in Ravenous Identity Whoring. I heard that these were good things!

That central monolith of text is less important. I can only hope that my actual opinions are spurious to whatever drudgery I'd shamelessly (happily!) sign on to do for money, so, should you decide to read on, note at least my impeccable grammar, innovative spelling, and avid devotion to the Oxford comma -- commendable and marketable advantages, all.

I wouldn't want to sound like too much of a suckup, so here are a few thinly veiled boasts under the guise of Telling You A Little About Myself -- I recently graduated from a prestigious liberal arts college, often called "The Harvard of The West" by pretentious assbags as desperate as myself. Along with my numerous (and extremely competitive) academic awards, the English/German B.A. I received in May is already collecting dust on a pastel shelf in my childhood bedroom, alongside my numerous (and extremely competitive) youth soccer participation medals. Oh, no, I don't live at home -- I'm proud, militantly proud to have finally attained my independence, but really, who am I kidding? I'm on food stamps.

Given that a Bachelor's Degree sets me apart from the crowd about as much as a personal email address, you might say that this blog serves as a kind of ersatz personality. I want you to get to know (the presentable, premeditated, heavily edited, Wikipedia-fact-checked) me! As such, I see my blog a sort of inimitable signature, a breathtakingly dynamic, endlessly surprising portrait of a white male 20-something geek from a middle-class background -- a portrait like no other. Do not be alarmed at my ideological daring, my willingness to wrestle the hulking oily blackness of the unknown and interrogate with P.I. precision stomach-turning postmodern monstrosities like the Video Game, the Color Television Program and the Animated Gif Of A Silly Face (The Slow Motion One, From That Sports Thing (I Don't Watch Sports Though, So)). It might unnerve you, but I'll be upfront: I live on the bleeding edge, drinking the bleeding blood of the NOW.

Whoops, getting a little heavy there. Striking a balance between professional determination and approachable affability can be tough, but I hope you've noticed my readiness to walk this shit-slick tight-rope for attention! Just imagine the horrors I would put up with if you started paying me to do it -- if the polish on my online presence is any indication, I'd crowbar my tendons free if I thought I might score more Twitter followers!

I do hope to have made an impression, and if you're interested, I'd love to discuss your job opening in person or over the phone -- either way, I'll be seven times more self-conscious than this irreverent blog post might suggest. I'm actually an anxious shambles of a human being!


Oversincerely,

OH GOD PLEASE PAY ME


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