Walter Garrett Mitchell
Post-Grad Limbo, OR, USA
(719) PLZ - HIRE
grownup_email@bigbusiness.net
Salutations!
Welcome to the dogeared photo album of overambitious daydream that is my oft-neglected Blog! If you're reading this I can only assume you took the blue-tinted bait I left for you, tucked in the resume that was sent to your temporary Craigslist address and/or left with your nonplussed personal assistant.
And how happy I am that you're here! As you can tell, I've spent my valuable time (of which I keep a near endless store, in industrial vats of Afternoon) tweaking and aligning the various metrics of personal expression that frame the deluge of my self-indulgent mumblings. And (lets please be honest with one another) all in hopes of impressing you! So, please, take a moment to peruse my carefully stacked sidebars. You'll notice the scattered scaffolds of eDentity I have begun to erect here and elsewhere on the Web -- upon which I will, without a doubt, Establish Myself -- as well as topical pop-culture appreciation (relevant hyperlinks included) and inter-blogosphere awareness! Aside from endearing me to your refined tastes, I hope to prove by way of demonstration that I am On My Way, Social Network-Capable and perfectly willing to engage in Ravenous Identity Whoring. I heard that these were good things!

I wouldn't want to sound like too much of a suckup, so here are a few thinly veiled boasts under the guise of Telling You A Little About Myself -- I recently graduated from a prestigious liberal arts college, often called "The Harvard of The West" by pretentious assbags as desperate as myself. Along with my numerous (and extremely competitive) academic awards, the English/German B.A. I received in May is already collecting dust on a pastel shelf in my childhood bedroom, alongside my numerous (and extremely competitive) youth soccer participation medals. Oh, no, I don't live at home -- I'm proud, militantly proud to have finally attained my independence, but really, who am I kidding? I'm on food stamps.
Given that a Bachelor's Degree sets me apart from the crowd about as much as a personal email address, you might say that this blog serves as a kind of ersatz personality. I want you to get to know (the presentable, premeditated, heavily edited, Wikipedia-fact-checked) me! As such, I see my blog a sort of inimitable signature, a breathtakingly dynamic, endlessly surprising portrait of a white male 20-something geek from a middle-class background -- a portrait like no other. Do not be alarmed at my ideological daring, my willingness to wrestle the hulking oily blackness of the unknown and interrogate with P.I. precision stomach-turning postmodern monstrosities like the Video Game, the Color Television Program and the Animated Gif Of A Silly Face (The Slow Motion One, From That Sports Thing (I Don't Watch Sports Though, So)). It might unnerve you, but I'll be upfront: I live on the bleeding edge, drinking the bleeding blood of the NOW.
Whoops, getting a little heavy there. Striking a balance between professional determination and approachable affability can be tough, but I hope you've noticed my readiness to walk this shit-slick tight-rope for attention! Just imagine the horrors I would put up with if you started paying me to do it -- if the polish on my online presence is any indication, I'd crowbar my tendons free if I thought I might score more Twitter followers!
I do hope to have made an impression, and if you're interested, I'd love to discuss your job opening in person or over the phone -- either way, I'll be seven times more self-conscious than this irreverent blog post might suggest. I'm actually an anxious shambles of a human being!
Oversincerely,
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